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Jokes about men for women stupid men and men bashing.
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 You can't beleive how hard I tried! - (Jul 15, 2009 - 23:55 EDT)
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75 year old patient runs into trouble when he has to give a sperm sample.
The doctor handed his 75-year-old patient a jar and ordered him to bring back a sample so he could do a sperm count. The next day old man returned to the doctor with an empty jar.
"What's this?" the doctor asked.
"Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand-but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand-still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. First she tried with her right hand-nothing. Then she tried with her left hand-nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out-still nothing. Finally we called the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too - and still nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "Your neighbor?"
"Yep. No matter how hard we tried, we just couldn't get that damned jar open!"
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Current rating: 0, Number of votes: 0
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Pumpkin Humper - (Jul 15, 2009 - 00:36 EDT)
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Some guy gets caught getting freaky with a pumpkin
A man was driving home late one night and was feeling very horny. As he passed a pumpkin patch, his mind started to wander. He thought to himself, "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around here for miles." He pulled over to the side of the road picked out a nice juicy-looking pumpkin, cut the appropriate size hole in it, and began to do the pumpkin.
After a while, he is really into it, so he doesn't notice the police car pull up. The cop walks over and says, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are having sex with a pumpkin?"
The man looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and says, " A pumpkin? Is it midnight already?"
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Current rating: 0, Number of votes: 0
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Birthday Wish - (Jul 13, 2009 - 01:00 EDT)
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A man gets his wish for his 60th birthday
A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday. During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world."
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.
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Current rating: 3, Number of votes: 3
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Crack Filler - (Jul 12, 2009 - 02:43 EDT)
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A construction worker has a problem going #2
A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated." The doctor tells him to drop his pants, examines him for just a moment, and then says, "Lean over the table."
The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him across his ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him into the bathroom. When he returns, he says, "Doc, I feel great! What should I do?"
The doctor says, "Stop wiping your butt with those old cement bags!"
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Current rating: 0, Number of votes: 0
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"I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt." - (Jul 11, 2009 - 00:50 EDT)
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Two French girls decide to check under a sleeping Scotsman's kilt.
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whiskey at a local pub. As he wandered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, his back against a tree.
As he slept, two young female French tourists walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly.
When they came to the source of it, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt." So she boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him with. Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us! Let's thank him for the education!"
Where upon, she took a pretty blue ribbon from her hair and gently tied it around what nature had provided to the Scotsman. Sometime later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He walked around to the other side of the tree, raised his kilt and bewilderment filled his mind at the sight of the bright blue ribbon tied neatly in abow.
After several moments passed, he said, "I donna know where y'been lad...but it's nice ta'see y'won first prize!"
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Current rating: 6, Number of votes: 2
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Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young? - (Jul 09, 2009 - 23:12 EDT)
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Some kid dressed like a punk wonders why people stare at him
A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of colorful leather rags. His legs are bare and he is wearing boots. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry, and his earrings are big, bright feathers.
He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just stares at him for the next 10 miles.
Finally, the punker gets a little miffed and barks at the old man:
"What is with you? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "I remember back when I was young and in the Navy I got really drunk one night in Singapore. Couldn't control myself. Had sex with a parrot. I was just sitting here wondering if you were my son."
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Current rating: 10, Number of votes: 2
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What's that in your ear? - (Jul 08, 2009 - 23:10 EDT)
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And old guy accidentally placed a suppository in his ear.
Two elderly men were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ed noticed something funny about Joe's ear. He said, "Joe did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
"I have? A suppository?"
He pulled it out and stared at it.
Then he said:
"Ed, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
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Current rating: 10, Number of votes: 1
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You'll fart your guts out! - (Jul 07, 2009 - 22:38 EDT)
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A woman pulls a prank on her husband to get him to stop cutting the cheese in bed
Herman and Martha were happily married for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up Martha and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air.
Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. Herman told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to visit a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function, and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands.
She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out".
The years went by and Martha continued to suffer and Herman continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning. Before dawn, Martha went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey.
While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake.
While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.
Several hours later she heard Herman awake with normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.
Martha could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.
About twenty minutes later, Herman came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.
"Honey," he said. "You were right, all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you".
"What do you mean?" asked Martha.
"Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."
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Rating
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Current rating: 10, Number of votes: 1
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Fortune telling scale. - (Jul 07, 2009 - 04:04 EDT)
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A man uses one of those coin operated scales
A man stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
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Current rating: 0, Number of votes: 0
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Age Verification - (Jul 06, 2009 - 00:07 EDT)
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A man applying for social security forgot his ID and has to find another way to verify his age.
A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers' license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.
He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks.
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."
He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.
She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.", and she processes his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.
She says, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."
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Rating
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Current rating: 8, Number of votes: 1
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A couple one liners - (Jul 05, 2009 - 00:15 EDT)
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Your career as a comedian has to start somewhere
Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women?
- Women working at 900 numbers.
Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?
- In the pages of a romance novel.
What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
- Exchange him.
Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men?
- No phone numbers.
Why do men like smart women?
- Opposites attract.
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Current rating: 0, Number of votes: 0
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Navy Invention - (Jul 04, 2009 - 03:46 EDT)
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A sailor and a Marine get into an argument over who's in the better branch of the military.
A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service.
After a swig of beer the Marine says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima.'
Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway.
'Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.'
The sailor responds, 'Point taken.'
The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!'
The sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones.'
The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says...... 'The Navy invented sex!'
The Marine replies, 'That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women.'
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Current rating: 0, Number of votes: 0
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Bury me with all my money - (Jul 03, 2009 - 00:10 EDT)
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A greedy man has his wife put all his money in his casket with him.
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money.
He loved money more than just about anything.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.
He made her promise with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband!"
She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian. I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him.
"You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket with him!?
"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check."
Never Underestimate The Intelligence of a Woman.
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Current rating: 0, Number of votes: 0
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Lost brain cell. - (Jul 01, 2009 - 20:49 EDT)
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A female brain cell somehow ends up in a man's head
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and again she yelled:
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE!!?"
Then she heard a voice from far, far away:
"Hello! We're down here..."
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Rating
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Current rating: 3, Number of votes: 3
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Dogs and Men - (Jun 30, 2009 - 23:45 EDT)
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Comparing and contrasting men and dogs.
How Dogs and Men Are the Same
1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning
3. Both mark their territory
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches
7. Neither does any dishes
8. Both fart shamelessly
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut
10. Both like dominance games
11. Both are suspicious of the postman
12. Neither understands what you see in cats
How Dogs Are Better Than Men
1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out
6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
7. You can train a dog
8. Dogs are easy to buy for
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
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Rating
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Current rating: 9, Number of votes: 3
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