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Jokes about men for women stupid men and men bashing.
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 First week in Hell. - (Aug 02, 2009 - 22:19 EDT)
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A guy finds out Hell isn't so bad... At least from Monday - Thursday
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with the devil.
Devil: Why so glum, chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays That's all we do is drink. If it has booze in it, we've got it. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
Devil: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Devil: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. It's not like you'll get cancer - you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow. That's awesome.
Devil: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Devil: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever.
Devil: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? I love drugs. You don't mean....
Devil: That's right Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's alright - you're dead, who cares? O.D.!!
Guy: Yowza!! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place.
Devil: You gay?
Guy: No....
Devil: Ooooh (grimaces), You're gonna hate Fridays . . .
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Rating
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Current rating: 8, Number of votes: 1
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It's Clark! - (Aug 01, 2009 - 22:44 EDT)
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For a change, Clark's wife takes him out for a night on the town.
Clark works hard at the plant, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most evenings bowling, playing basketball or working out at the gym. His wife, Jessica, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Clark, how ya doing?"
Jessica is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Clark. "He works out at the gym with me."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Clark if he'd like his usual Budweiser.
Jessica is now becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Clark. "Hi Clarky," she says, "want your usual table dance?"
Jessica, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Clark follows and spots his wife getting into a cab. Before Jessica can slam the door, Clark jumps in beside her. Right away she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real winner tonight, Clark."
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Rating
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Current rating: 0, Number of votes: 0
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60 things you shouldn't say to a naked guy. - (Jul 30, 2009 - 23:33 EDT)
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60 ways to make fun of a naked guy.
60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?
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Current rating: 0, Number of votes: 0
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The Pickle Slicer - (Jul 30, 2009 - 00:12 EDT)
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A guy who works at a pickle factory can't help but stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
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Rating
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Current rating: 0, Number of votes: 0
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Will that make me a better gunfighter? - (Jul 28, 2009 - 06:05 EDT)
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An aspiring gunfighter gets some tips from the fastest gun in the west.
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.
"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," said the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy.
"I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt as much."
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Rating
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Current rating: 9, Number of votes: 1
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Advice from the lifeguard - (Jul 27, 2009 - 00:55 EDT)
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A guy asks a lifeguard for tips on how to pick up the ladies.
Paul, a guy on the local beach just couldn't make it with any of the girls, so he heads over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice for him.
"Dude, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them baggy old swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Spandex Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin ya man...you'll have all the babes ya want!"
The following weekend, Paul hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato and it's worse than before. Everybody on the beach acts disgusted as he walks by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick! So Paul goes back to the lifeguard again and asks him, "What's wrong now?"
"JAHEESUS!" says the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!"
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Rating
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Current rating: 9, Number of votes: 3
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Bachelors: Ways to check if your food is spoiled - (Jul 26, 2009 - 02:39 EDT)
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Is it safe to eat? Or will you have to order take-out tonight?
Food Spoilage Tests For Bachelors
THE GAG TEST:
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).
EGGS:
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS:
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.
MAYONNAISE:
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.
FROZEN FOODS:
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
EXPIRATION DATES:
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.
MEAT:
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.
BREAD:
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy-looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
FLOUR:
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
SALT:
It never spoils.
CANNED GOODS:
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a tennis ball should be disposed of. Carefully.
CARROTS:
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
RAISINS AND SULTANAS:
Raisins and sultanas should not be harder than your teeth.
POTATOES:
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
CHIP DIP:
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
EMPTY CONTAINERS:
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with your mother or have a maid.
UNMARKED ITEMS:
You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.
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Rating
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Current rating: 10, Number of votes: 1
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Problem solver. - (Jul 25, 2009 - 03:08 EDT)
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A man, his wife, their 8 kids, and a blind man try to get on a bus.
A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, with them are their 8 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him.
"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!!"
The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting in the bus.
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Rating
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Current rating: 8, Number of votes: 1
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Have a rough day? - (Jul 24, 2009 - 01:49 EDT)
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A guy keeps finding out his relatives are gay.
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He orders six shots of vodka. The bartender asks the man, "Have a rough day?"
The man replies, "Yeah, I found out my younger brother was gay!"
The bartender says, "Man, I'm sorry to hear that. That's awful."
The man downs the shots and leaves.
The very next day the same man comes back into the bar and orders six more shots of vodka. Bartender asks the man, "What's wrong today?"
The man replies, "I just found out my older brother is gay."
Bartender says, "Man, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible."
The man downs his shots and leaves.
The man returns again on the third day and again orders six shots of vodka. Bartender asks the man, "Another rough day?"
The man says, "Yeah."
The bartender asks the man, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women??"
The man says, "Yeah, my wife."
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Rating
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Current rating: 5, Number of votes: 2
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"I slept with your mother!" - (Jul 22, 2009 - 22:50 EDT)
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Some guy in a bar starts harassing another guy.
Two men were sitting in a bar.
One man turned to the other and said,"I slept with your mother!"
The other man ignored him.
A few moments later the man said, more forcefully this time, "I slept with your mother!!"
The other turned to him and replied,"Go home Dad, you've had too much to drink."
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Rating
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Current rating: 8, Number of votes: 1
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Serious Problem - (Jul 22, 2009 - 01:17 EDT)
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A doctor can't keep his composure while trying to diagnose a patient's problem.
A man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh."
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen.
Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen."
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Rating
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Current rating: 7, Number of votes: 1
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We have a lot in common. - (Jul 20, 2009 - 22:22 EDT)
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A drunk guy in a pub finds someone who's a lot like himself.
One sunny day in Ireland, a man was sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when he turns to the bartender and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him."
So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir" he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!"
The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing. Where you from?"
"I'm from Dublin" came the reply.
"Me too! What street do you live on?"
"McCarthy street"
The second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?"
"162" the first man replies.
"Me too! What are your parents names?"
"Connor and Shannon"
The second man, almost dumbfounded says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!"
So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?"
"Oh nothing much, the Murphy twins are drunk again though."
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Rating
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Current rating: 6, Number of votes: 1
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Plastic Surgery - (Jul 18, 2009 - 23:23 EDT)
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A man gets a facelift and gets people to guess his age.
A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result.
On his way home he pops into the newsagent and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the newsagent "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35" was the reply.
"I'm actually 47 years old" the man says, feeling really happy.
After that he goes into the Fish & Chip shop to celebrate. Before leaving, he asks the same question, to which the reply is "Oh, you look about 29" This makes him feel really good.
Whilst standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your trousers and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
Being as there was nobody around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his trousers.
Ten minutes later the old lady says "You are 47 years old."
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in the Fish & Chip shop".
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Rating
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Current rating: 9, Number of votes: 2
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Gift from God - (Jul 17, 2009 - 22:16 EDT)
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An old man tells his doctor about how God helps him out at night
70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! the light goes on when I pee, and then poof! the light goes off when I'm done."
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom and then poof! the light goes off?"
George's wife exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!".
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Rating
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Current rating: 5, Number of votes: 2
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Escaped Convict - (Jul 16, 2009 - 22:22 EDT)
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An escaped convict captures a married couple.
While escaped, a convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!"
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Rating
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Current rating: 8, Number of votes: 1
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