|
Jokes about men for women stupid men and men bashing.
|
|
Home
Prev
Next
 We need to run some tests. - (Aug 07, 2009 - 22:18 EDT)
|
An old guy can't hear what his doctor is asking him for.
An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."
The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"
"What did he say? What's he want?"
His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."
|
 
|
|
Rating
|
Current rating: 0, Number of votes: 0
|
|
Chastity Belt - (Aug 06, 2009 - 22:02 EDT)
|
A knight gives his squire the key to his wife's chastity belt, in case he doesn't come back.
In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving for a crusade and called one of his squires, "I'm leaving for the crusade.
Here is the key to my wife's chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I haven't returned, you may use the key as I'm sure she will have needs".
The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe. He takes one last look at his castle and sees the squire rushing across the drawbridge, yelling, "Stop! Stop! Thank goodness I was able to catch you. This is the wrong key".
|
 
|
|
Rating
|
Current rating: 0, Number of votes: 0
|
|
Terrible headaches, terrible cure. - (Aug 06, 2009 - 00:41 EDT)
|
A man gets his nuts removed because they're the cause of his severe headaches.
A man is having terrible headaches. He can't sleep, eat, think, or do much of anything because of the pain. Several doctors examined him and couldn't determine the cause of his problem. He finally went to one of the top neurological specialists in the country who examines him and says, "I've found the cause of the pain. Your testicles are pushing up into your spine. The constant pressure on the spine causes the headaches. The only thing I can do is perform surgery and remove your testicles."
The man is shocked to hear this but the decision is not difficult as he know he cannot stand the pain of the headaches. He has the surgery and immediately feels like a new man. The pain is completely gone and he feels like he has a new life. He is so happy he decides to buy himself a new suit. He goes to a small men's shop and tells the old tailor that he wants to buy a suit.
"Sure," says the tailor. "You're a 42 long, right?"
"Wow, how did you know?" says the man.
"Hey, I've been in this business a long time. You learn a few things" said the tailor."
The tailor brought the man a suit that fit perfectly. It looked so good that the man decided to buy a new shirt to go with it.
"16, 34, right?" said the tailor.
"Right again!" said the man. "You're amazing."
"Hey, I've been in this business a long time. You learn a few things".
The tailor brought a shirt and tie and they looked great. The man said, "Hey, let's go for broke. Give me a pair of the silk boxers too."
The tailor said, "36 right?"
"I'm disappointed," said the man. "But 2 out of 3 is still good. I wear size 34 boxers."
The tailor said, "Hey, I've been in this business for a long time and I think you need 36."
The man replied, "It's obvious you know your business but I've worn size 34 for as long as I can remember. I'm going to have to disagree with you on this one".
"Hey look," said the tailor, "I'll sell you whatever you want. But I've been in this business a long time. If you wear a size 34 it's gonna push your nuts up into your spine and give you terrible headaches."
|
|
|
Rating
|
Current rating: 0, Number of votes: 0
|
|
Magic Pills - (Aug 05, 2009 - 00:40 EDT)
|
A guy gets his doctor friend to give him some pills to help get his wife in the mood for love.
"Doc, you've gotta help me... my wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"
"Look, I can't prescribe..."
"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset?
I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to Hell!
You've got to help me."
The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills.
"Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental, the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE,understand? JUST one."
"I don't know, doc; she's awfully cold..."
"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"
"Um... okay."
Our hero expresses gratitude, and departs for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. Our hero, in fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes: he drops one pill into his own coffee.
His wife returns with the shortcake, and they enjoy their dessert and coffee, our hero with poorly concealed anticipation.
Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange smoky look enters her eyes. In a deep, throaty, near-whisper, in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says,
"I... need...a man..."
His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... too.."
|
|
|
Rating
|
Current rating: 0, Number of votes: 0
|
|
Sisters of St. Francis House of Prostitution? - (Aug 03, 2009 - 23:00 EDT)
|
Apparantly, these nuns found a way to benifit from the worlds oldest profession.
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST, FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,
"What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man,
"Please knock on this door."
He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in long habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs,
"Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
|
 
|
|
Rating
|
Current rating: 0, Number of votes: 0
|
|
First week in Hell. - (Aug 02, 2009 - 22:19 EDT)
|
A guy finds out Hell isn't so bad... At least from Monday - Thursday
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with the devil.
Devil: Why so glum, chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays That's all we do is drink. If it has booze in it, we've got it. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
Devil: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Devil: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. It's not like you'll get cancer - you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow. That's awesome.
Devil: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Devil: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever.
Devil: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? I love drugs. You don't mean....
Devil: That's right Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's alright - you're dead, who cares? O.D.!!
Guy: Yowza!! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place.
Devil: You gay?
Guy: No....
Devil: Ooooh (grimaces), You're gonna hate Fridays . . .
|
 
|
|
Rating
|
Current rating: 8, Number of votes: 1
|
|
It's Clark! - (Aug 01, 2009 - 22:44 EDT)
|
For a change, Clark's wife takes him out for a night on the town.
Clark works hard at the plant, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most evenings bowling, playing basketball or working out at the gym. His wife, Jessica, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Clark, how ya doing?"
Jessica is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Clark. "He works out at the gym with me."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Clark if he'd like his usual Budweiser.
Jessica is now becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Clark. "Hi Clarky," she says, "want your usual table dance?"
Jessica, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Clark follows and spots his wife getting into a cab. Before Jessica can slam the door, Clark jumps in beside her. Right away she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real winner tonight, Clark."
|
 
|
|
Rating
|
Current rating: 0, Number of votes: 0
|
|
60 things you shouldn't say to a naked guy. - (Jul 30, 2009 - 23:33 EDT)
|
60 ways to make fun of a naked guy.
60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?
|
 
|
|
Rating
|
Current rating: 0, Number of votes: 0
|
|
The Pickle Slicer - (Jul 30, 2009 - 00:12 EDT)
|
A guy who works at a pickle factory can't help but stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
|
 
|
|
Rating
|
Current rating: 0, Number of votes: 0
|
|
Will that make me a better gunfighter? - (Jul 28, 2009 - 06:05 EDT)
|
An aspiring gunfighter gets some tips from the fastest gun in the west.
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.
"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," said the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy.
"I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt as much."
|
 
|
|
Rating
|
Current rating: 9, Number of votes: 1
|
|
Advice from the lifeguard - (Jul 27, 2009 - 00:55 EDT)
|
A guy asks a lifeguard for tips on how to pick up the ladies.
Paul, a guy on the local beach just couldn't make it with any of the girls, so he heads over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice for him.
"Dude, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them baggy old swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Spandex Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin ya man...you'll have all the babes ya want!"
The following weekend, Paul hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato and it's worse than before. Everybody on the beach acts disgusted as he walks by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick! So Paul goes back to the lifeguard again and asks him, "What's wrong now?"
"JAHEESUS!" says the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!"
|
 
|
|
Rating
|
Current rating: 9, Number of votes: 3
|
|
Bachelors: Ways to check if your food is spoiled - (Jul 26, 2009 - 02:39 EDT)
|
Is it safe to eat? Or will you have to order take-out tonight?
Food Spoilage Tests For Bachelors
THE GAG TEST:
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).
EGGS:
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS:
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.
MAYONNAISE:
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.
FROZEN FOODS:
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
EXPIRATION DATES:
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.
MEAT:
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.
BREAD:
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy-looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
FLOUR:
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
SALT:
It never spoils.
CANNED GOODS:
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a tennis ball should be disposed of. Carefully.
CARROTS:
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
RAISINS AND SULTANAS:
Raisins and sultanas should not be harder than your teeth.
POTATOES:
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
CHIP DIP:
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
EMPTY CONTAINERS:
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with your mother or have a maid.
UNMARKED ITEMS:
You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.
|
|
|
Rating
|
Current rating: 10, Number of votes: 1
|
|
Problem solver. - (Jul 25, 2009 - 03:08 EDT)
|
A man, his wife, their 8 kids, and a blind man try to get on a bus.
A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, with them are their 8 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him.
"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!!"
The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting in the bus.
|
 
|
|
Rating
|
Current rating: 8, Number of votes: 1
|
|
Have a rough day? - (Jul 24, 2009 - 01:49 EDT)
|
A guy keeps finding out his relatives are gay.
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He orders six shots of vodka. The bartender asks the man, "Have a rough day?"
The man replies, "Yeah, I found out my younger brother was gay!"
The bartender says, "Man, I'm sorry to hear that. That's awful."
The man downs the shots and leaves.
The very next day the same man comes back into the bar and orders six more shots of vodka. Bartender asks the man, "What's wrong today?"
The man replies, "I just found out my older brother is gay."
Bartender says, "Man, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible."
The man downs his shots and leaves.
The man returns again on the third day and again orders six shots of vodka. Bartender asks the man, "Another rough day?"
The man says, "Yeah."
The bartender asks the man, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women??"
The man says, "Yeah, my wife."
|
|
|
Rating
|
Current rating: 5, Number of votes: 2
|
|
"I slept with your mother!" - (Jul 22, 2009 - 22:50 EDT)
|
Some guy in a bar starts harassing another guy.
Two men were sitting in a bar.
One man turned to the other and said,"I slept with your mother!"
The other man ignored him.
A few moments later the man said, more forcefully this time, "I slept with your mother!!"
The other turned to him and replied,"Go home Dad, you've had too much to drink."
|
 
|
|
Rating
|
Current rating: 8, Number of votes: 1
|
Home
Prev
Next
|
|
