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Jokes about men for women stupid men and men bashing.
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 Time to populate the earth. - (Aug 17, 2009 - 22:18 EDT)
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God has to explain the birds and the bees to Adam.
One day, God and Adam were walking in the Garden of Eden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth.
"Adam, you can start by kissing Eve."
"Lord, what is a kiss?" asked Adam.
God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and kissed her.
A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord! That was great! What's next?"
"Adam, I now want you to caress Eve."
"Lord, what is caress?" asked Adam.
God explained, then Adam took Eve behind the bush and caressed her.
A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What's next?"
"Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to Eve."
"Lord, what is make love?" asked Adam.
God explained, then Adam took Eve behind the bush.
A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?"
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Current rating: 3, Number of votes: 3
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Heat wave. - (Aug 16, 2009 - 20:19 EDT)
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A man thinks it's too hot to mow the lawn with his clothes on.
Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave. As he got out of the shower he said to his wife:
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money."
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Current rating: 0, Number of votes: 0
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Gods gifts to Adam - (Aug 16, 2009 - 00:45 EDT)
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God gives Adam 2 new organs, but there's a catch.
One day The Lord spoke to Adam. "I've got some good news and some bad news," The Lord said.
Adam looked at The Lord and replied, "Well, give me the good news first."
Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you, one is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."
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Current rating: 1, Number of votes: 1
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Tape it down. - (Aug 15, 2009 - 01:21 EDT)
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A man uses some duct tape to make sure nothing comes up when he's on his date.
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what`s wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That`s great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I`d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn`t show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
"I kicked her in the face."
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Current rating: 0, Number of votes: 0
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Original packaging. - (Aug 14, 2009 - 00:16 EDT)
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A man suffers a groin injury a week before his wedding.
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it, doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."
The doctor said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and wired it all together. It was an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend.
They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he'd ever seen them. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts. "
He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "And look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
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Current rating: 0, Number of votes: 0
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He whipped out his... Rooster. - (Aug 12, 2009 - 23:52 EDT)
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A man sneaks his pet rooster into a movie theater.
An old guy approaches the window of the movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him.
He replies, "Well, my pet rooster, of course!"
"I'm sorry," The girl tells him. "We can't allow animals in the theater."
The guy goes around the corner and stuffs the bird into his pants. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the theater, the rooster starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his pants so the chicken can stick it's head out and watch the movie.
Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified. She elbows her friend Myrtle and whispers, "Myrtle, this man over here has just unzipped his pants!"
Myrtle whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it...you've seen one, you've seen them all."
Agnes says, "I know...but this one's eating my popcorn!"
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Current rating: 0, Number of votes: 0
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Two black eyes. - (Aug 11, 2009 - 21:22 EDT)
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A man explains to his boss why he has 2 black eyes.
A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.
The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.
"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."
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Current rating: 5, Number of votes: 2
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I'm sure it will be allright. - (Aug 10, 2009 - 23:32 EDT)
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A man explains why he ran out of the hospital right before his surgery.
A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.
"What's the matter?" he was asked.
He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."
"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor."
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Current rating: 0, Number of votes: 0
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I bet you don't know what day it is. - (Aug 09, 2009 - 20:31 EDT)
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A husband sends gifts to his wife to make it look like he didn't forget what day it was.
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"
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Current rating: 0, Number of votes: 0
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Maybe he should have went with Stayfree instead? - (Aug 09, 2009 - 00:31 EDT)
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3 convicts each get to bring 1 item with them to occupy their time with.
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Prison".
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said,
"I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked - "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said - "Well, according to the back, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating"...
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Current rating: 10, Number of votes: 1
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We need to run some tests. - (Aug 07, 2009 - 22:18 EDT)
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An old guy can't hear what his doctor is asking him for.
An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."
The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"
"What did he say? What's he want?"
His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."
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Current rating: 0, Number of votes: 0
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Chastity Belt - (Aug 06, 2009 - 22:02 EDT)
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A knight gives his squire the key to his wife's chastity belt, in case he doesn't come back.
In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving for a crusade and called one of his squires, "I'm leaving for the crusade.
Here is the key to my wife's chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I haven't returned, you may use the key as I'm sure she will have needs".
The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe. He takes one last look at his castle and sees the squire rushing across the drawbridge, yelling, "Stop! Stop! Thank goodness I was able to catch you. This is the wrong key".
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Current rating: 0, Number of votes: 0
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Terrible headaches, terrible cure. - (Aug 06, 2009 - 00:41 EDT)
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A man gets his nuts removed because they're the cause of his severe headaches.
A man is having terrible headaches. He can't sleep, eat, think, or do much of anything because of the pain. Several doctors examined him and couldn't determine the cause of his problem. He finally went to one of the top neurological specialists in the country who examines him and says, "I've found the cause of the pain. Your testicles are pushing up into your spine. The constant pressure on the spine causes the headaches. The only thing I can do is perform surgery and remove your testicles."
The man is shocked to hear this but the decision is not difficult as he know he cannot stand the pain of the headaches. He has the surgery and immediately feels like a new man. The pain is completely gone and he feels like he has a new life. He is so happy he decides to buy himself a new suit. He goes to a small men's shop and tells the old tailor that he wants to buy a suit.
"Sure," says the tailor. "You're a 42 long, right?"
"Wow, how did you know?" says the man.
"Hey, I've been in this business a long time. You learn a few things" said the tailor."
The tailor brought the man a suit that fit perfectly. It looked so good that the man decided to buy a new shirt to go with it.
"16, 34, right?" said the tailor.
"Right again!" said the man. "You're amazing."
"Hey, I've been in this business a long time. You learn a few things".
The tailor brought a shirt and tie and they looked great. The man said, "Hey, let's go for broke. Give me a pair of the silk boxers too."
The tailor said, "36 right?"
"I'm disappointed," said the man. "But 2 out of 3 is still good. I wear size 34 boxers."
The tailor said, "Hey, I've been in this business for a long time and I think you need 36."
The man replied, "It's obvious you know your business but I've worn size 34 for as long as I can remember. I'm going to have to disagree with you on this one".
"Hey look," said the tailor, "I'll sell you whatever you want. But I've been in this business a long time. If you wear a size 34 it's gonna push your nuts up into your spine and give you terrible headaches."
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Current rating: 0, Number of votes: 0
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Magic Pills - (Aug 05, 2009 - 00:40 EDT)
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A guy gets his doctor friend to give him some pills to help get his wife in the mood for love.
"Doc, you've gotta help me... my wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"
"Look, I can't prescribe..."
"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset?
I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to Hell!
You've got to help me."
The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills.
"Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental, the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE,understand? JUST one."
"I don't know, doc; she's awfully cold..."
"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"
"Um... okay."
Our hero expresses gratitude, and departs for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. Our hero, in fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes: he drops one pill into his own coffee.
His wife returns with the shortcake, and they enjoy their dessert and coffee, our hero with poorly concealed anticipation.
Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange smoky look enters her eyes. In a deep, throaty, near-whisper, in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says,
"I... need...a man..."
His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... too.."
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Current rating: 0, Number of votes: 0
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Sisters of St. Francis House of Prostitution? - (Aug 03, 2009 - 23:00 EDT)
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Apparantly, these nuns found a way to benifit from the worlds oldest profession.
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST, FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,
"What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man,
"Please knock on this door."
He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in long habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs,
"Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
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