|
Jokes about men for women stupid men and men bashing.
|
 
|
Home
Next
 The cost of business - (Sep 22, 2009 - 00:46 EDT)
|
A man walks into a store and finds out there's an impromptu sale going on
A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person "How much are the washer and dryer?"
"Five dollars for both of them," the salesman said.
"Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man replied sarcastically.
"No, that's the price," the salesman said, "Do you want to buy them or not?"
"Yeah, I'll take them!" the customer responded.
He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" he asked.
"Five dollars for the system," the salesman answered.
"Is it stolen?" the guy asks.
"No," said the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"
"Sure," the customer replied. He looked around some more.
Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?"
"Five dollars," was the familiar response.
"I'll take that too!" the man said.
As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him,
"Why are your prices so cheap?"
The salesman said, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.
What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!"
|
 
|
|
Rating
|
Current rating: 7, Number of votes: 2
|
|
Follow their lead - (Sep 14, 2009 - 19:15 EDT)
|
A guy tries to be romantic by copying the romantic things other couples do.
Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following their leads.
He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wife's cup and said, "Sugar, sugar?" Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room.
Another table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, "Honey, honey?"
Again Joe thought this was good stuff.
Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wife's eyes and said, "Ham, pig?"
|
 
|
|
Rating
|
Current rating: 0, Number of votes: 0
|
|
He can add up to 21, too. - (Sep 07, 2009 - 20:09 EDT)
|
A little kid shows how his father taught him how to count.
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes
after ten?"
"A jack," says the kid.
|
 
|
|
Rating
|
Current rating: 2, Number of votes: 2
|
|
Bad Haircut - (Aug 31, 2009 - 19:41 EDT)
|
A man moves to a nudist colony and needs to send home a picture of his new place without letting people know he's a nudist.
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top half.
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says... "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style, it makes your nose look too short!"
|
 
|
|
Rating
|
Current rating: 0, Number of votes: 0
|
|
Helping hands - (Aug 25, 2009 - 00:55 EDT)
|
A guy with no arms asks for some assistance taking a leak.
Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob is standing there taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out.
Being a kind soul, Bob says, Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, Can you unzip my zipper?
Bob says, OK
Then the man says, Can you pull it out for me? Bob replies, UH, yeah, OK...
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs and reeks something awful.
Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and bob points it for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, Thanks, Man, I really appreciate it.
Bob says, No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?.
The guy pulls his arms out of shirt and says, I don't know, but I AIN'T TOUCHING IT...
|
 
|
|
Rating
|
Current rating: 8, Number of votes: 5
|
|
Time to populate the earth. - (Aug 17, 2009 - 22:18 EDT)
|
God has to explain the birds and the bees to Adam.
One day, God and Adam were walking in the Garden of Eden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth.
"Adam, you can start by kissing Eve."
"Lord, what is a kiss?" asked Adam.
God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and kissed her.
A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord! That was great! What's next?"
"Adam, I now want you to caress Eve."
"Lord, what is caress?" asked Adam.
God explained, then Adam took Eve behind the bush and caressed her.
A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What's next?"
"Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to Eve."
"Lord, what is make love?" asked Adam.
God explained, then Adam took Eve behind the bush.
A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?"
|
 
|
|
Rating
|
Current rating: 3, Number of votes: 3
|
|
Heat wave. - (Aug 16, 2009 - 20:19 EDT)
|
A man thinks it's too hot to mow the lawn with his clothes on.
Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave. As he got out of the shower he said to his wife:
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money."
|
 
|
|
Rating
|
Current rating: 0, Number of votes: 0
|
|
Gods gifts to Adam - (Aug 16, 2009 - 00:45 EDT)
|
God gives Adam 2 new organs, but there's a catch.
One day The Lord spoke to Adam. "I've got some good news and some bad news," The Lord said.
Adam looked at The Lord and replied, "Well, give me the good news first."
Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you, one is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."
|
 
|
|
Rating
|
Current rating: 1, Number of votes: 1
|
|
Tape it down. - (Aug 15, 2009 - 01:21 EDT)
|
A man uses some duct tape to make sure nothing comes up when he's on his date.
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what`s wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That`s great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I`d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn`t show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
"I kicked her in the face."
|
|
|
Rating
|
Current rating: 0, Number of votes: 0
|
|
Original packaging. - (Aug 14, 2009 - 00:16 EDT)
|
A man suffers a groin injury a week before his wedding.
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it, doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."
The doctor said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and wired it all together. It was an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend.
They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he'd ever seen them. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts. "
He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "And look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
|
 
|
|
Rating
|
Current rating: 0, Number of votes: 0
|
|
He whipped out his... Rooster. - (Aug 12, 2009 - 23:52 EDT)
|
A man sneaks his pet rooster into a movie theater.
An old guy approaches the window of the movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him.
He replies, "Well, my pet rooster, of course!"
"I'm sorry," The girl tells him. "We can't allow animals in the theater."
The guy goes around the corner and stuffs the bird into his pants. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the theater, the rooster starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his pants so the chicken can stick it's head out and watch the movie.
Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified. She elbows her friend Myrtle and whispers, "Myrtle, this man over here has just unzipped his pants!"
Myrtle whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it...you've seen one, you've seen them all."
Agnes says, "I know...but this one's eating my popcorn!"
|
 
|
|
Rating
|
Current rating: 0, Number of votes: 0
|
|
Two black eyes. - (Aug 11, 2009 - 21:22 EDT)
|
A man explains to his boss why he has 2 black eyes.
A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.
The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.
"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."
|
 
|
|
Rating
|
Current rating: 5, Number of votes: 2
|
|
I'm sure it will be allright. - (Aug 10, 2009 - 23:32 EDT)
|
A man explains why he ran out of the hospital right before his surgery.
A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.
"What's the matter?" he was asked.
He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."
"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor."
|
 
|
|
Rating
|
Current rating: 0, Number of votes: 0
|
|
I bet you don't know what day it is. - (Aug 09, 2009 - 20:31 EDT)
|
A husband sends gifts to his wife to make it look like he didn't forget what day it was.
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"
|
|
|
Rating
|
Current rating: 0, Number of votes: 0
|
|
Maybe he should have went with Stayfree instead? - (Aug 09, 2009 - 00:31 EDT)
|
3 convicts each get to bring 1 item with them to occupy their time with.
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Prison".
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said,
"I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked - "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said - "Well, according to the back, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating"...
|
 
|
|
Rating
|
Current rating: 10, Number of votes: 1
|
Home
Next
|
|
