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Jokes about men for women stupid men and men bashing.
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Next
 Dirty Birds - (Dec 01, 2009 - 05:28 EST)
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A pastor tries to use his pious parrots to convert some wayword birds.
A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?" One day, she was talking to her Preacher about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females. So they put the four parrots together. So, the females yelled at the male parrots, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?" One male parrot said to the other, "Put the Bibles away! We've made it to heaven!"
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Current rating: 8, Number of votes: 3
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As the world turns - (Nov 24, 2009 - 06:26 EST)
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A policeman learns a quick science lesson.
There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?"
The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."
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Current rating: 0, Number of votes: 0
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Good Lawyer? Or Good Lawyer? - (Nov 17, 2009 - 02:45 EST)
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A local chairity asks a lawyer for a donation.
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
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Rating
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Current rating: 10, Number of votes: 1
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Caribbean fishing trip - (Nov 10, 2009 - 10:31 EST)
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A lawyer and and engineer meet while on a fishing trip.
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.
The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.
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Rating
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Current rating: 0, Number of votes: 0
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That little blue pill. - (Nov 03, 2009 - 04:36 EST)
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A pharmacist who really knows his medication
A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, "Do you have Viagra?"
"Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes," he answered.
"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.
"I can if I take two," he answered.
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Current rating: 0, Number of votes: 0
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Laying down the rules - (Oct 26, 2009 - 23:43 EST)
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A newlywed couple establishes some ground rules
A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not."
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Current rating: 0, Number of votes: 0
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Take a pew. - (Oct 19, 2009 - 23:37 EST)
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A drunk stumbles into a confessional.
After a heavy night of drinking at the local bar, a drunk stumbles into a Catholic church and slowly makes his way into the confessional booth. There, the priest patiently awaits the man to begin his confession.
After a few minutes of silence, the priest politely taps on the window… nothing. The priest taps again and this time clears his throat a bit… still nothing. At this point the priest begins to lose his patience and bangs on the window.
Finally the dunk yells out… “Ain’t no use knocking, there ain’t no paper over here either!”
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Rating
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Current rating: 0, Number of votes: 0
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Calling this joke 'Bored at Work' is an even bigger sin. - (Oct 13, 2009 - 02:30 EST)
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A worker at a lumberyard confesses to stealing building supplies.
A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. "What did you take?" his priest asked. "Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake." "This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?" "No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."
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Current rating: 0, Number of votes: 0
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Memory Lessons - (Oct 06, 2009 - 13:28 EST)
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An elderly couple took some classes to help improve their memory
An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.
A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.
"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.
"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"
"A rose?" asked the neighbor.
"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"
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Rating
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Current rating: 0, Number of votes: 0
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Texas Midget - (Sep 29, 2009 - 01:02 EST)
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A little person sees the doctor about some groin pain.
There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to a doctor to see what could be done to relieve the problem. The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was.
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor put him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still ached.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. "Gee, what did you do, Doc?" he asked.
The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots."
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Rating
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Current rating: 1, Number of votes: 1
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The cost of business - (Sep 22, 2009 - 00:46 EST)
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A man walks into a store and finds out there's an impromptu sale going on
A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person "How much are the washer and dryer?"
"Five dollars for both of them," the salesman said.
"Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man replied sarcastically.
"No, that's the price," the salesman said, "Do you want to buy them or not?"
"Yeah, I'll take them!" the customer responded.
He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" he asked.
"Five dollars for the system," the salesman answered.
"Is it stolen?" the guy asks.
"No," said the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"
"Sure," the customer replied. He looked around some more.
Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?"
"Five dollars," was the familiar response.
"I'll take that too!" the man said.
As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him,
"Why are your prices so cheap?"
The salesman said, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.
What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!"
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Rating
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Current rating: 3, Number of votes: 1
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Follow their lead - (Sep 14, 2009 - 19:15 EST)
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A guy tries to be romantic by copying the romantic things other couples do.
Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following their leads.
He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wife's cup and said, "Sugar, sugar?" Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room.
Another table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, "Honey, honey?"
Again Joe thought this was good stuff.
Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wife's eyes and said, "Ham, pig?"
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Rating
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Current rating: 0, Number of votes: 0
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He can add up to 21, too. - (Sep 07, 2009 - 20:09 EST)
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A little kid shows how his father taught him how to count.
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes
after ten?"
"A jack," says the kid.
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Rating
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Current rating: 2, Number of votes: 1
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Bad Haircut - (Aug 31, 2009 - 19:41 EST)
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A man moves to a nudist colony and needs to send home a picture of his new place without letting people know he's a nudist.
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top half.
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says... "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style, it makes your nose look too short!"
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Rating
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Current rating: 0, Number of votes: 0
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Helping hands - (Aug 25, 2009 - 00:55 EST)
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A guy with no arms asks for some assistance taking a leak.
Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob is standing there taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out.
Being a kind soul, Bob says, Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, Can you unzip my zipper?
Bob says, OK
Then the man says, Can you pull it out for me? Bob replies, UH, yeah, OK...
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs and reeks something awful.
Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and bob points it for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, Thanks, Man, I really appreciate it.
Bob says, No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?.
The guy pulls his arms out of shirt and says, I don't know, but I AIN'T TOUCHING IT...
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Rating
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Current rating: 6, Number of votes: 2
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